She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I fill condoms, not promises.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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