Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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