but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
