if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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