apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
