Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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