i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
