im six kinds of drunk right now
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
