Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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