i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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