I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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