there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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