Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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