I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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