Sry I called you an 8
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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