Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
