Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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