I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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