hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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