My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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