Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
