remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
