I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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