Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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