I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
