I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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