'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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