dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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