My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
