You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
