Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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