it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
