I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize