before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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