Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
