3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
