Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
We're too hungover to prance.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
