I think my vagina is haunted
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
being pregnant is like rehab
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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