just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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