I can tuck mytits in my pants
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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