On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
