Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
