I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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