Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
