I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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