Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
