She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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