You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
