shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize