I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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