Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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