i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
