Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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