Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
