To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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