I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Enjoy the penises
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
