I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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