Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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