I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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