I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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