wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
